December 2, 2011

might as well fake it

Solo por este momento sera mas que suficiente para llamarte mio
Solo por hoy estaré en tus brazos sin pedir nada mas que me hagas sentir con sinceridad lo que sientes
Solo en este minuto mi mirada llegara a lo mas profundo, lo escondido lo que yo siempre vi y mis manos serán aristas sobre ti
Solo por hoy quiero decirte eres mi amor, seré tu amante y tu sol
Tu serás eso que cree en mi un sentimiento tan indescriptible para el que no esta aquí
Solo en este instante ahaogate en mis besos y reconquista esos lugares que la luz no ve
Despacio, sin prisa que tenemos mas que el tiempo suficiente, tenemos el día de hoy
Voy escuchándote susurrando mi nombre, viendo tu cara y tu placer plasmado en cada facción
Voy y vuelvo y te repito que nadie nunca te hará perder el control de la manera que lo hago yo
Cada poro de tu piel solo desea esa corriente que causo y grita rogando
Vuelve hacia mi
Irónico quizás, estúpido probable
Si tu todo esta en otra y mi cabeza en otro
Pero así es el corazón funcionando de maneras que soy incapaz de entender
Apenas soy un peón ante el
Mira como tus sentimientos salen a flor de piel trazados indudablemente a mi
Pero no me meteré en tus lios si tu ni sabes quien eres ni sabes que quieres
Ya te volviste a perder en tu propia cabeza que triste es ser testigo de tu propia rendición a quererte
Así que viviré esto, este momento lo consumire
Nuestra burbuja es el hoy no lo ves? Esto es lo mas realmente ficticio que nos puede suceder
Solo este instante, solo hoy
Volveré y volverás cada cual a el otro dando cada trozo de nosotros que podamos dejándonos individualmente sin nada desnudando nuestra alma caricia a caricia piel a piel

November 3, 2011

“ ¿Cuando llego a convencerte el maldito despecho de que un clavo saca a otro? ”

August 10, 2011
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July 25, 2011

ourlove

Nosotros compartimos de esos besos que te encierran te condenan a exigir su presencia. Que hará que cualquier piel con toda su experiencia pase vergüenza. De esos besos que se comparten en el alma van más allá de solo la pasión. Compartimos de un amor que nadie más ni entiende pues no sabe que es edad, dolor, mentiras, imperfecciones ni sabe el porqué solo sabe que es. Algo que no sabemos si es ilusión, no se sabe que tan verdadero es. Va más allá de la razón. Quizás nuestros corazones tan dolidos tan parecidos nos han echo caer en esta red. Tal vez tiene que ver con la costumbre de hacernos un mal que cada uno por su lado extrañamente quiere y añorara, me costó mirar la triste realidad cual no puedo aceptar tal vez es mi manera de afrentar. Como aceptar que no era realidad? Si te siento en cada espacio de mí ser, cada rincón me acuerda a ti, con el simple hecho de tocar mi piel lloro por ti, por mí, por lo lindo que un día fue y por lo aun mejor que podía ser. Quisiera poder entender porque soy como soy quisiera saber pero no lo sé y no entiendo y vuelvo a repetir el mismo error de no dejarle a las personas saber cuánto en realidad los quiero, como siempre me sigo destruyendo que manera de vivir. En un mundo de fantasía e ideal sería como el agua pero no sé si quiera ni pueda si algo me dice que eres mas como el café solo dejas ver lo que quieres ver. De alguna manera siempre pensaste de la manera que ocurrió todo creía que te mentía y lo hacía pero yo vivía en un estado de ignorancia vivía básicamente en un cuento de hadas claro que no te perdono ni sé quién eres, ni sabes quién soy. Cada uno piensa lo que quiere ignorando lo que es, ignorando la verdad, ignorando poder estar mal. Como quisiera poder decirte lo que verdaderamente pensaba de ti el desprecio y resentimiento que te tengo en realidad, soy una contradicción viviente si te digo que te odio que te quiero apartar totalmente de la persona que soy, tal vez no me creas que te quiero y por ahí se fue la honestidad. Algo que no tengo y porque viene eso? No sé, a no porque no quiero y no lo quería si soy honesta conmigo. Si te quería? Si más que a mí misma pero tal vez eso no diga mucho. Pero regresando a ser la niña que soy la que cree en sus cuentos de hadas pienso que de alguna manera tal vez tengamos esperanza. Cuando? No sé. Pero espero que sea pronto y espero no tener que levantarme de mi cuento de hadas de nuevo.

July 25, 2011

as i laid.

As I lay on my bed trying to make sense of everything, trying to be logical, trying to be happy. I take a shallow uneasy breath, a useless move must I say to try to calm myself. I would say even point less, is it possible to stop the world from orbiting around the sun? No, exactly, there is just some things you can’t do anything about, like the pain that’s got me crippled taking every sane part of myself, the one thing am holding on the most too, the one thing I’ve come to yearn the most, my peace, our past. I never thought such a happy memory would make such a painful gash, such a deep wound to my heart my mind the person which in the present I am. A present I thought I would never have to experience the irony of having you yes, of being with you no.

July 25, 2011

“ Bright eyes starred as mine are closed. Open my eyes and the illusion stops, all I see? Dense fog were my dream use to be. Its filled I see nothing through it. Can’t see clear don’t even know where am standing, stepping. ”

July 25, 2011

old words never truly said.

You let their hands wonder places that were mine, they were suppose to be ours. I thought I was the one you really wanted, maybe your not that sure. You dare to say I was always special more truths covered with makeup filled lies. Thought you never would, you said you never wanted to, but they weren’t mistakes they were a small spark of passion and you always gave in. Gave you everything I could every last drop, every single last tear and you just didn’t mind to care. I even lost myself can’t you tell? 

July 25, 2011

i cheated myself

I cringe at the though of him, his name alone makes my body tremble, his voice holds a grip on my heart as it sends it into an uneven frenzy making my soul cry. Its ironic how the one thing that has made me the happiest person I’ve ever been, the one thing I’ve tried to hold on too the most, the one person that has awaken things in me that I could only dream of, the one person that has been with me making some of the most unforgettable memories my heart has now the curse to carry with, is the one solemn reason why I want to rip my heart out destroying every nerve ending that’s in place; tear, wound everything right from the root so that no feelings could ever be attach there, never wanting to feel again. The only reason why this pain is so real so vivid so terrifying, it is unmoved always present. Starting from my core it makes way to all the parts that are me, the center of me is were most of the damage is done everything in there has been mutilated by either me, him, time or distance but my injuries don’t stop there; he is able to make the pain radiate from every pore of my being every single of inch of my self. He makes every part of my body ache, inside and out. I laugh at the pain I’ve had before nothing compares to this I would take it millions of time shedding those tears than feeling this, this bottomless pit of sorrow which I know seem to live in, which for some reason seems to have a mind of its own. It has this hold on me, this tight grip I’ve come to realize this in a painful but real way because as I try to crawl out, reach out almost breathing fresh air, as I almost regain peace. At the last moment it destroys any type of illusion I ever had and I get yank hard, rapidly, efficiently making me hit rock bottom again, no mercy been showed toward me not any type of compassion. Why am I stuck here? I sob quietly to myself an unheard whisper never truly said.

July 25, 2011

how do i cut the cord?

I know it may seem like am a little crazy counting numbers days counting days that turned into weeks which are now months. Just waiting, waiting. I mean I don’t just completely wait I do go out into the world past the doors of my safe room, my bedroom. The only room in which I am able to weep, cry not having to wear a smile on my face not having to live out this so called happiness. It is were I am able to mumble his name and just for a moment feel the tears kiss my lips as if it they were his own against mine, feel the false illusion of his embrace in his jacket, hear the recording of his voice say the same thing over again words that have stuck like glue to my head. The room in which I am able to break my heart shatter it over again remembering him, because I won’t let myself forget won’t let myself let go. The worst part about the waiting I wouldn’t even say its that. The worst part about the waiting is the wondering. The wondering how will it be ? Is there still love? Is there still passion? Is there still wanting of the souls to be one? Am I able to say he is still mine? Am I still his sun? Your world is just aways spinning your head is just aways racing. You built this different scenarios in your head the good, the bad, the tragic, and you just wonder how will it be, you just wonder, wonder. Because you don’t know and you won’t know, unless you wait just wait. Because it always comes back to that. And then there’s moments when you think why am I doing this? Why am I waiting? Why do I keep stepping into what is already my battered heart over again and just over again? Why do I decide to squeeze the life out of my own soul? Why do I keep tearing myself apart inside? And then i suddenly remember how his breath felt against my skin, how his touch was always tender, how he would say my name, how my body would want his against mine, how he would call me beautiful not because of the way I looked but because he looked beyond that, how I seemed to fit perfectly into his arms, how he would make me laugh, how his smile created mine, how he would use me as a drumset and start making melodies, how the longest of silences felt just right, how his voice soothe me, how happiness was not something that was a memory or something that was forced but the present. And then i feel like the worst person in the world I feel so guilty because how could I doubt the reason why am waiting in the first place his the one thing I’ve ever truly wanted needed his the one guy I’ve ever truly loved and. Still is, and so am left of back were I started wondering waiting counting.

April 25, 2011

Dangerous game

It may not be cool, but that fresh doze of nicotine entering a lot more than just your lungs and destroying about anything in its way good, bad, about every thought, emotion, any whirlwind in your head becomes a tranquil smooth symphony, peacefulness. I happen to romanticize with the idea of smoking; alone wind strong and cold against my skin. The only warm thing near, the cigarette on my lips giving me as I myself know and willing reproach the kiss of death, french kissing about every inch inside of me with its lethal caresses. In the present i have become quite fond of it, knowing well is dangerous for myself but there’s something so lovely about playing with something dangerous.

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